Teach them to question everything. George Carlin. ", 9. His entire bit is included in the nearly two-minute video perfectly conjoined with photos of Trump and the results of his administration flood the screen. They dont wanna hear from you. They dont care about you at all. CMPRO cookie is set by CasaleMedia for anonymous user tracking, and for targeted advertising. I don't like cats. In the footage from his 1996 HBO special, "Back In Town," Carlin tears into the pro-life movement: "Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to 9 months. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Term limits aint going to do any good; youre just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. These George Carlin quotes on life showcase his wit, ingenuity and geniusand, occasionally, his potty mouth, which was part of his signature charm. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. He missed this one. Twitter sets this cookie to integrate and share features for social media and also store information about how the user uses the website, for tracking and targeting. ", 7. They've got the judges in their back pockets. Related: When it comes to mass shootings, the problem isnt Republicans or the NRA. Well, we know what they want. This cookie is native to PHP applications. Amen and Awomen. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white, and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes every day, because the owners of this country know the truth: It's call the Amercian Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.". Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. ", 121. Im tired of this shit. George Carlin, Never argue with an idiot. This is one of the greatest social and political commentaries of the modern era. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window). If You're Preschool, You're F*cked': Read George Carlin's Epic 1996 Rant Against Anti-Abortion Conservatives . These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. Theyre not interested in that. "Governments don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. Set by addthis.com to determine the usage of addthis.com service. "When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. "I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to. That's against their interests. Carlin's rueful 1996 routine about conservatives' opposition to abortion ("they will do anything for the unborn, but once you're born, you're on your own") became a newly viral phenomenon and. 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out. ", 41. ", 117. ' Avoid teams at all costs. ", 4. This cookie is set by Segment to count the number of people who visit a certain site by tracking if they have visited before. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. Cloudflare sets this cookie to improve page load times and to disallow any security restrictions based on the visitor's IP address. 3 queens who slayed while imitating Rep. George Santoss drag alter ego, Kitara Rivache, Libs Of TikTok's Chaya Raichik & Nikki Haley gave CPAC speeches to mostly empty rooms, Tennessee issues trans healthcare ban & nation's first drag ban. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.". The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, What if there were no hypothetical questions? George Carlin, The planet is fine. RT @JamesMelville: "They own everythingThey don't care about youThey got you by the balls." ~ George Carlin He absolutely nailed it. This problem can be solved by pre-school children in 5-10 minutes. Then youre just what theyre looking for. This helps to distinguish between new, returning, and loyal visitors. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. These Politicians Don't Care About You At All The failures of people who supposedly represent the people Photo by Marco Oriolesi on Unsplash When people elect leaders in a democracy, the. ", 47. "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. ", 72. They own you. It also helps for marketing automation solution for B2B marketers to track customers through all phases of buying cycle. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. A cookie set by YouTube to measure bandwidth that determines whether the user gets the new or old player interface. Good honest hard-working people white collar, blue collar, it doesnt matter what color shirt you have on. Thats all it is. They own everything. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. ", 9. They don't care about you at all -- at all -- at all. It helps in improving the performance. I just dont have as many people who believe it. George Carlin, Now, theres one thing you might have noticed I dont complain about: politicians. "War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die. The people are fucked. George Carlin, Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. The session information includes the identity of the user, recently visited links and the duration of inactivity. Part of HuffPost Entertainment. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. 03 Mar 2023 16:21:02 of American cultural paradoxes.. ", 92. ", 66. "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ", 67. "I have as much authority as the Pope. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. They dont want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly theyre getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin years ago. George Carlinwas one of the greatest comedians that ever graced a stage, and his comedy was as poignant and deep as it was hilarious. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. '", 73. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. OK? 3. I think I was probably a cowboy in a past life. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. When a . They dont want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. 15 years 6 months 5 days 3 hours 12 minutes, 15 years 6 months 5 days 3 hours 5 minutes, 15 years 6 months 5 days 1 hour 16 minutes. Join. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. Everybody complains about politicians. ", 61. "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and not theyre coming for your Social Security money. You have owners. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever til the end of time! They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, Religion has actually convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. Below are some famous quotes and jokes by the man, the myth, the legend, the comedian George Carlin. "Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York. Because he was a genius, and here are 11 quotes that prove it: 1. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. A unique user identifier cookie, set by Microsoft Application Insights software, that enables counting of the number of users accessing the application over time. They dont pass through a membrane from another reality. American - Comedian May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008. The truth is, we dont have people like that. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. I think I need to show them that I have brought myself to a cleverer, smarter spot than they have.". "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. He died from heart failure in 2008, survived by his second wife Sally Wade, and his daughter, Kelly. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Photo: Matthias Clamer (modified by author) Source: Getty Images One-liner jokes. Fewer Texans. Transcribed part of speech begins at 10.33 13 May 1999, National Press Club, Washington DC, USA This is an incomplete transcript made by Raven Developers . ""Deep Throat: Think about it. The legendary comic, who died in 2008 at the age of 71, is also the subject of an upcoming two-part documentary, George Carlins American Dream, which debuts on HBO Max later this month: By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. The late great stand-up, actor and occasional philosopher George Carlin was known to cross the lines of what polite society would call good taste, but he himself drew a few lines when it came. Next, honor thy father and mother. . What do you get at the end of it? Change), You are commenting using your Twitter account. "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. You throw out the first three commandments, wssst! ", 102. No nothing. Try spelling Evian backward. The 2023 theme was "cooperation in a fragmented world," with WEF noting, "The world today is at a critical inflection point. Set aside 30 minutes to watch investigative journalist Whitney Webb speak with MintPress News in the video above. If a dog can do it, you can watch. Thats what the owners count on, Carlin intones. ", 54. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. They believe a womans primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state.. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, Isnt making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? George Carlin, Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin, I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin, Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, Weve learned how to make aliving, but not alife. And nobody seems to notice. George Carlin quotes and jokes about politics and religion "Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant. George Carlin. The stand up comic was an artist who did more than articulate the public's subconscious; he embodied America's intellectual counter culture and provided sanctuary from the crisis of modernity. Used to help protect the website against Cross-Site Request Forgery attacks. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. 28. r/antiwork. It even sparked a legal case with the U.S. Supreme Court! Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. Famous and remained in the controversies for his dark comedy and the reflections on politics, religions, and social taboo, Carlin is . They will do anything for the unborn. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin, Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Others see it half empty. Everyone Practices Cancel Culture | Opinion, Deplatforming Free Speech is Dangerous | Opinion. On Election Day, I stay home. Forget the politicians. You have no choice. Casale Media sets this cookie to collect information on user behavior, for targeted advertising. Amazon Pay uses this cookie to maintain a "session" that spans multiple days and beyond reboots. Everybody says they suck. I didn't bother with him. "Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my d**k or I'll call the police. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. ", 60. ", Join half a million readers enjoying Newsweek's free newsletters. Google DoubleClick IDE cookies are used to store information about how the user uses the website to present them with relevant ads and according to the user profile. This cookie is set by the provider The Guardian. "How can [God] be perfect? ", 42. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. "There's a humorous side to every situation. As politicians and social media commentators weighed in on . The game is rigged. "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. Everything He ever makesdies. George Carlin, The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. The rights and the rights of property. And if somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. "I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. They own everything. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. - Doc Holliday. The embattled gay representative has denied his drag persona, but these three performers have embraced her with comedic flair! ""Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. "How is it possible to have a civil war? (LogOut/ If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. ", 106. "Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. "I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. George Carlin was a comedian and social critic. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. ", 8. Yeah, the public sucks. The _omappvs cookie, used in conjunction with the _omappvp cookies, is used to determine if the visitor has visited the website before, or if it is a new visitor. "If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? The JSESSIONID cookie is used by New Relic to store a session identifier so that New Relic can monitor session counts for an application. They dont want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. Elect me. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. They dont want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. George Carlin gives him the finger from the grave. Determines whether the visitor has accepted the cookie consent box. I'm used to dogs. They've got you by the balls. He was a regular on the "Ed Sullivan Show," but in the 1970s he became much better known for his irreverent . This cookie allows the website to identify a user and provide enhanced functionality and personalisation. In his 1996 HBO special Back in Town, the late comic legend and social critic George Carlin nailed the hypocrisy of social conservatives who rail against abortion and birth control with "pro-life" rhetoric while simultaneously attacking social . Doesnt give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. George Carlin, Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin, I have as much authority as the Pope. "If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human beings in the 21st Century. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. "Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. The challenge is to find it. "Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. ", 104. ", 111. Let's start with critical race theory. Forget the politicians. An old clip of George Carlin is gaining new life after this weeks reports from the Supreme Court on abortion. ", 84. This information is used to pick out ads delivered by the platform and assess the ad performance and its attribute payment. This is the best we can do, folks. ", 10. When you leave them in the morning they stick their noses in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you return eight hours later. "If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff? I think the life cycle is all backwards. They don't want to hear from you . They don't fall out of the sky. Contents 1 Quotes 1.1 FM & AM (1972) "Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.", 71. Because you have the illusion of choice. -George Carlin There you are. ""Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? "Everyone smiles in the same language. At all. Everybody complains about politicians. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. A cat's "meow" can be a "woof" for him. ", 79. You and I are not in The Big Club. 44. With his daring satirical jokes, his words will make you laugh and make you think profoundly about everything you experience. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. "I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. He loves you, and He needs money! "Everybody's been mad at me, cause I haven't been on the f**king, y'know, the gravy train of these candidates, especially Joe Biden and Harris. ", 63. "The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. This is one of the greatest social and political commentaries of the modern era. The __gads cookie, set by Google, is stored under DoubleClick domain and tracks the number of times users see an advert, measures the success of the campaign and calculates its revenue. And complaining about the politicians. He was 71 years old. "Some people see the glass half full. These George Carlin funny quotes on religion, government, and stupid people will make you laugh as well as think about things deeply. ", 2. ", 48. ", 59. "Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. "The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. This cookie is set by Prebid Server. ", 14. ", 122. Yeah, the public sucks. ", 40. Never join a group that has a name. You don't. You have no choice! Everything He ever makes dies. So I don't trust none of them. Ice Cube and his political affiliations have been in the spotlight ever since White House senior advisor Katrina Pierson publicly thanked the Friday actor for his help in developing the "Platinum Plan" with Trump officials. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. They never mention that part to us, do they? We havent tried that for a while. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. "There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. ", 17. Weve addedyearstolifenotlife to years. George Carlin, Heres a bumper sticker Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whos self-esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. George Carlin, Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? George Carlin, Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.

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