You didnt tell me about the damage until I saw it one day and when I asked you about it, you told me that you were going to tell me about it after you fixed it. I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. Its not fair to her. Who does something like that to their kids? Its all a work In progress for me but its starting to calm things in my home and keeping myself calm already. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. We later talked about it and agreed that he would ask for a time out if he felt uncomfortable in an argument with me, so he would have time to let the anger out by running a view blocks for example. Now I control my own bank account and will not be involved with him with regard to money in any way, shape, or form for as long as we both shall live. He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? Perhaps your local mental health team? Do what you can do and stop worrying about the rest, above all stop blaming yourself ! After more and more learning and healing, the less I want to give intimacy of any kind to narcissists in the future, because it will never be an equal relationship Kims comment about pulling on the thread [of ones own] superiority really struck a chord- one of the main reasons for staying (besides much love) was, in retrospect, to feel like his hero- which meant feeling a little morally superior to him! Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! But my brain knows that this is most likely the beginning of another cycle of hell, though my heart longs for it to be real. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. I will say, I was probably nearly every DSM diagnosis when he leftgetting better, have days of no tears and even feeling happy some days! Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. Further if you are married to someone who is spending your money on gambling, an affair etc. The pain is lessening day by day , Kim, I love your blogs. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery. That kind of thinking can unfortunately get people, and especially children hurt. Its okay, he doesnt have to believe it. Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. I arranged that myself. Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? Hi all, First time Ive contributed to this blog and wanted to get more info on Because I loved him I needed to say no. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. Just because I slip up once, or multiple times, does not mean that I am required to continue the permissive, unhealthy behavior. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. It is true that our program means you have to do most of the work (in changing how you deal with their abuse) but I do believe that your partner can change as I have seen it in Steve and so many others now. This is why we highlight the need for action. Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Thx Kim. And she would gossip about me to my friends. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! I want to believe them so much. I have tried to work thru this with him and have seen a small improvement thanks to the advise from Kim and steve but he is so beyond any reality and reasoning that I have to do what is best for my children and myself. I suggest, with respect, you get out of the way and let them learn their lessons. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. You are right when you say talking does no good. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. Giving him boundaries didnt help him and made him feel more alone. Even though our finances (checking accounts and credit cards) as seperate we do live together and as it has been, I end up paying for most of the groceries, entertainment and the maintenance of our home (which I bought in my name only cuz his credit is messed up. This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). I have learned to be a very calm person and have set up healthy and stern boundaries for myself. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. He told me yesterday that he was changing phone carriers because the sales agent hung up the phone on him and he thought that was rude. 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. If you are still living with him you are going to need to be very strategic in figuring out how you can 100% limit the abuse. Love on yourself. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. All of the blaming, name-calling, lying, deflecting, financial abuse is worse. I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). how do I get over the pride and resentment I have? It is a freaking living nightmare. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. I was completely on my own and I was devistated. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. Thanx for clarifying. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Sometimes, the best way to hold a narcissist accountable is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and directly, and (unwaveringly) address their behavior. Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. There are steps in The Love Safety Net Workbook that will help you create a home environment that builds attachment and trust. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. Never her.Now after almost a year up here. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. He has no remorse for anything he does or says; he has declared many many times that he is never sorry because he is never wrong he says what he feels and does whatever he wants with no regard to anyone elses feelings, ever. Good luck everyone. I have been in a relationship with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder for 14 years. He just gets louder. How Do You Hold A Narcissist Accountable? If they find someone else who thrives on this, they'll fall in love quickly. I dont see any additional archives. Do you have availability to a womens shelter or crisis hot line? He said he hates himself and directs that hate to me, but that it is his own selfhate. And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. She did not present any evidence but seems to have scared the wits out of my male bosses as she implied shed make a sexual harassment claim against them if they did nt follow suit. Has no effect. My husband definitely changed how he responded to my new way of communicating and living. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. He broke up with her and I am so glad but she wont move on. That it had nothing to do with me. Trust will start being built when your partner begins to see that you are capable of protecting your own interests and that you are not scared of doing what you need to do to stand up for yourself calmly and with deliberation without abandoning them or using emotional manipulation to try and get your way. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. God bless you all. Hi Rose Boundaries should always be set with action not words. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. Thankfully I never had to suffer that but mental and emotional stuff can leave scars just as deep. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. How do you find the energy to do this? And after all that effort, it still isnt a relationship anyway! . One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. The truth is, narcissists lack accountability because they get away with it. It is the unhealthy part of their thinking. He most recently climbed in window, in middle of the night-sometime before 4a.m. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. I can only make choices for my self. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! He always states he should have been a lawyer because he knows how to argue/defendHe says this even in re to issues at work, he uses that statement whenever hes feeling like things arent going his way. I feel it is OK to set the boundry that he needs to decide what he wants or I will have to make decisions on my Own. I believe you are on the right track, Ive been married to my N husband for 29 years. It is so difficult not to become bitter. Like emotional teenagers, narcissists enjoy attention. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? Through 15 years of marriage he was never faihful and treated our children and me disrespectfully. I am an Australian living in the UK and am a single parent with an 11 year old daughter. Are you familiar with co-dependence? All I can say is wow. If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. He hides these lovely attributes in certain company people he wants to impress and/or people he craves admiration from. Im wondering if youve looked at all angles? It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. I mean for me to feel the kind of trust for him and love from him that a woman ought for someone she is having sex with wow, that would be gigantic. They are give and give. And talk about the blame. What are they gonna do? I feel I did a very good job of using the above techniques the second I realized I had a narcissist on my hands. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. Im trying to find a way to heal mentally but he doesnt give me a single chance.

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