Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. Go on the trip. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Husband doesn't want to go on family vacation My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. She worries about me being out alone after dark and it gets dark at 4:30 p.m. in the winter here. Abusers often (successfully!) How to convince your partner, husband or wife to travel with you Charleston. Twenty. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. That is your priority as a mother. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. Well, this might seem like an obvious question, but have you told him that you need him to stop talking to you about this? Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. Im a bit flabbergasted. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! Indifference. Marriage counseling is fine, but this sounds like HIS problem, and I think he needs to work on that himself if youre going to get anywhere. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. Do not sacrifice your career for this. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. I also love Vegas. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. It is a huge trust issue. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Did I stand out? And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Best of luck! I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. What the hell? Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. Never mind that this area was completely safe and middle-class; never mind that the apartment complex had 24-hour security; gated parking; never mind that this Mexican restaurant is not a whole in the wall, is regularly featured on Food Network, and is a regular spot for bringing out-of-town clients for virtually every company in our city. Exactly. Hes not Master of the House. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. Or get off? Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. Its definitely a huge red flag that your husband takes a winky tongue-in-cheek ad campaign that seriously. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation It comes across as so controlling. This. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. I didnt sign up for this. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. You have a good day and thank you. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Exactly. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. I say go for it! It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. But you dont get to be irrational all over someone else without consequence. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. I do think theres a shadow of a legit work question in there, in terms of when/if its okay to refuse work-related travel. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. Super reasonable! Yes, marriage counselling. . I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. Is that an issue as well? I have been to Vegas twice (both in the same calendar year), once with my wife when she was attending a conference (hobby, not work related) and the second time with my (at the time) elementary school aged daughter. What the hell kind of business is even done in Vegas! However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). We look out for each other. You just have to stop a lot--especially if you EBF. Marriage should be about love, not control. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. I second counseling. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. And heres what wethink will help. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. But not wholesome. This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). But no gambling! I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. going together would send the message that its an us issue. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. Does he take this incredibly low view of your character whenever youre apart from him, or is that just a terrible assumption he makes about you when you travel to Vegas? And to his credit, he cut it out. (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. You go on trips, no one lets you go. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. Blergh. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. In either case, I should have ended it. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. Agreed! I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). You deserveit! OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Roppongi it is! But don't worry, Daisy. Oh, for sure. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. Ugh. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. So I get the safety concern. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. Walking to work? Vegas is a perfectly lovely city where people raise families and everything!! There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). Its not just a place to go party. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. Either way, the poster is mimicking them in an exaggerated way in order to make them appear more foolish and unreasonable than they would if portrayed accurately. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Do NOT potentially sabotage your career over this, especially if you are the main breadwinner. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. She acted like she wasnt married. THANK you. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. Later I saw an art exhibit. -OPs husband, probably. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. I mean seriously? How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. I would probably choose being single over him. (And there is outside reinforcement for this my MIL things Im insane for letting my 10-year-old go to the bathroom, which I can see clearly from our restaurant table, alone.) Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem.

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